so i have been given a hard time by a couple of people about not posting anything lately... whatever... so i decided to sit down and write tonight... so here it is... beware - it's long and involving...
okay, so last week at school, i was already kind of feeling behind... i heard in college (thanks arliss), that the habits you keep during the first three weeks of school determine how the entire school year will go... knowing this, i did what any normal seminary student would do... didn't practice the best study habits and procrastinated even on the earliest easiest assignments... (i did really well the first week... and then... well...)
so it's kind of caught up with me a bit, and now it's (past) mid-october, and things are getting crazier... i picked up this second job at the library at school, thinking it would balance my hours out, and my income would be a bit more consistent... and somehow THE MAN knows... meaning, my manager at my other job - i don't know how - she has a way of picking the worst hours for me - and piling them on during the wrong weeks... i have my own theories about this, which will remain silent for now...
so... the last couple of weeks, i've worked about 30 hours... sometimes 25 - sometimes 32... somewhere in there... but the way my availability is set up, the hours are way more demanding... here's what happened last week... i had school on monday/tuesday... then i worked 8 hours on wednesday (2pm - 1030pm)... when i got to work on wednesday, i realized i had been scheduled for thursday (8 more hours)... then i was scheduled for friday (8 more hours) and saturday, i was originally scheduled for 5, but covered for another girl (8 hours)... then the schedule for this week was up - sunday (8 more hours)... so altogether, i worked 40 hours at one job from wednesday to sunday... then i had a few library hours here and there... i realize 40 hours in 5 days is not a big deal... i realize that most americans keep this schedule on a very regular basis... my problem is 1) not being used to that many hours in that many days, 2) being in graduate school, 3) having a second job, 4) not being aware of extra hours added on... 5) the hours of my job - usually 2-1030 or 11...
there's more... i was so tired of being at work yesterday, i was pretty much dragging... with a bad attitude... i didn't want to be there... wanted to go home... didn't want to think about the homework that was looming overhead... and my framing manager says to me... "but you have tomorrow off..."
what? are you kidding me??? i looked at her and said, "do you realize i'm in graduate school, not community college? i have 9 hours of class tomorrow, along with 3 hours of work at my other job, 2 midterms this week and a paper due???" and then i had to go on to explain to her the difference between graduate school and community college... (nothing against people in community colleges...)
so, i was already kind of frustrated, worn out last night... i came up to my office to work on my paper, and after wrestling with it for a while, i decided to drop that class... i don't really like it anyway, and i thought i'd be a lot better off... so, paper unwritten, i headed home and went to bed... i got to school this morning and told the secretary that i wanted to drop a class, and she informs me that it's too late to drop a class, and that i can't drop without failing... bad idea... so i don't have an option... i also don't have a paper...
at this point, i'm really frustrated, extremely exhausted (not sleepy, just weary), and highly emotional... i went to my first class (pastoral counseling) and didn't make it too long before i was crying... not just a tear here and there... crying... i hate crying at school... most of the people i go to school with are men... (i almost typed, "most of the guys i go to school with are male." - i said that once at work, and then, realizing what i was saying, had to laugh) i have decided that there are few other things that can make a man more uncomfortable than seeing a woman cry... especially when 1) the guys don't know what's wrong or can't fix it... or 2) when the woman can't explain it... and i hate putting guys in that position... so... someone asked me what was wrong, and i said something about 40 hours and began to explain about my weekend and he just said, "you'll get no violins from me..." - and he was making a joke... but it really kind of hurt my feelings... we ended up talking about it... and it's all good now... poor guy - more about this - i'll get back to it in a second...
the reason i think i was crying in class is because all of my classes are about ministry - and we talk about using principles learned in class in our ministry setting - and i don't really have one - so it leaves me sitting there thinking, "why am i in seminary? what am i doing?" and it makes me want to drop out and run away...
so i called amy and just started crying all over again... like i was trying to be all normal... and then i lost it... just lost it... and amy's great to listen to me vent... no - she doesn't always have the answers... i never do, either... but sometimes there aren't any answers... maybe sometimes all that we can offer are ears... and amy's good to lend ears and shoulders - and friendship... okay - this is what just came to my mind - the scene from forrest gump where forrest takes jenny to her old house and she's throwing rocks at the house... "sometimes there just aren't enough rocks..." - anyway - no real point - but what a great scene... random...
and then i got a random phone call in the middle of the day that made me smile... definitely took my mind off the crap at school... :)...
anyway - so i was talking to this guy jason at school... and this is probably the heart of the matter... in talking with jason - after talking to the other guy (violin guy) - i realized i don't really have a support system in the northwest... what gets me is most of the people at school have spouses... so yes, they wear a ton of hats... they work 40 hours a week, have full-time ministry, and whatever... i'm sure they do more than me... here's the difference... they have a support system - if nothing else, they have a spouse - a partner in the journey... someone who understands at least a little what they're going through - someone who they can be real with and share everything with and vent to... a partner... i don't... i don't even have a church, currently... so my support system here is pretty much nonexistent to me... and that's why i think i'm getting so worn out... i feel alone in the journey - i don't like the way that feels... and i don't think my friends back home understand... i talked to one of my friends last night... and she said, "but robyn, you're having so much fun... you have tons of friends..." - too bad it's not like college - i don't have a ton of friends... i'm not having "so much fun..." i mean, i do have fun - i create my own fun, most of the time... but i'm not really all that happy... okay, i should quit whining about it... this is just how i feel...
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